Skip to main content

PATTERNs & MOs

 


I have a friend who once told me about this theory of how we keep befriending or falling for people with identical qualities. It's like a pattern, a subconsciously identified comfort zone that we get lured by. 

I gave quite a thought to this, much more than I usually do to something I generally hear. I got really lucky in the friendship department, so falling in the pattern is worth my while. I would happily do it over and over again. 

But, when it comes to matters of heart, mmm, not so much! I just realised that the MO of the guys I get involved with is terrifying. (Switched to MO instead of patterns because it's criminal the number of times I have been hurt).

It starts with them finding me somewhere on the internet. For the first month, they treat me like I put stars in the sky, pursue me as their world revolves around me, and practically force me to fantasise about a full-fledged life with them. Well, I am no less. My MO is over-sharing, a butt load of honesty, putting on the table what I want, and then duct-taping my (already glued together multiple times fragile) heart to save it from all the potential hurt. I try to be as pessimistic as possible because I can see through the scene, I know how it ends, I have been in it so many times I feel like the leading lady in Russian Doll. 

But the heart wants what it wants, and that stupid dumbfuck doesn't learn its lesson well. So after repeated convincing and pushing my feelings away for over a month, I finally start to surrender. I try to be more approachable and forthcoming. And the minute I decide to do so, it all starts going south. My men can somehow sense my vulnerability and realise that now is the time to mess with everything she has fought to reach here. And they do me so dirty, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

It goes on for about a month or two. Casual MIAs, demonstration of fuckboy traits, occasional come back and half-ass promises gradually leading to absolute ghosting by the end of the third month. This is like a bi-annual thing for me. I don't even feel disappointed over it anymore, and that is what disappoints me so much. I am well aware of the MO, I recognise it, I see through it, and yet, I fall for it every single time. 

A part of me feels that I willingly let this happen. I have gotten so comfortable living in misery that the possibility of something real scares me. While another part thinks it's just bare optimism and unwillingness to give up on love. There's also a teeny tiny fragment that is just secretly wishing to skip to the good part.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

SEEK PLEASURE IN SIMPLICITY

We as a generation are a set of people who are usually confused, terrified, uncertain, over-optimistic/pessimistic, trying to have it all, commitment-phobic because of lack of worthy examples to look up to, or because our relationships perished sooner than a glass of milk.  I have said it before, and I'll say it again! We do not express gratitude enough. We do not appreciate the little things in life. We are too busy working towards and looking at the bigger picture that we miss out on the comfort and beauty of reality.  The pandemic has taken too much from us already, our loved ones, our normal lives, and our will to socialise. It's high time we start acknowledging the things that we generally do not give enough credence to. It's due time we start smiling at the simple joys, as the big ones aren't happening like they used to.  Appreciate the ones who even make a faint attempt at reaching out to you from their equally busy schedule. Do not hesitate in reaching out to pe...
Post a Comment
Read more

Jack of Crisis, Masters of Denial

  Sinking in the sea of crisis, human-made, situational or self-induced. We aren't looking for solutions anymore. We aren't wasting time sulking. We are straight-up pushing it all to the deepest, darkest, rarely visited corners of our heads. After all, living in denial still counts for living, contrary to facing the feelings that leave you lifeless. We are eating, drinking, sleeping off or sleeping with the crisis. Pretending to be as unbothered while denying the fact that it burns like a gin and hurts like a bitch. Faking, hoping to make it. Skating through life while the fire within simmers only to erupt when least expected.
Post a Comment
Read more

Life, Choices and The Opportunity Cost

  I am a planner. I love planning, but, unfortunately, planning doesn't usually love me back. From the earliest of days, I have had this compulsive need to plan the hell out of my life. Planning is my comfort zone. My biggest pet peeve is not knowing what next. Naturally, I hate bizarre concepts like surprises; they are a series of misarranged and chaotic events. Neither do I understand, nor do I appreciate the thrill of uncertainty.  But being a planner, I understand the importance of making choices. I understand that life is choices. At every step of the way, you're presented with at least one. You can be as cautious as possible, as mindful as you want and as aware as you think, but no level of planning, no length of pros and cons list can ensure that the choice you are making is the right one.  I studied this concept called "Opportunity Cost" in school. By the book definition, it goes - "the loss of other alternatives when one alternative is chosen." Ever...
Post a Comment
Read more