PATTERNs & MOs

 

I have a friend who once told me about this theory of how we keep befriending or falling for people with identical qualities. It's like a pattern, a subconsciously identified comfort zone that we get lured by. 

I gave quite a thought to this, much more than I usually do to something I generally hear. I got really lucky in the friendship department, so falling in the pattern is worth my while. I would happily do it over and over again. 

But, when it comes to matters of heart, mmm, not so much! I just realised that the MO of the guys I get involved with is terrifying. (Switched to MO instead of patterns because it's criminal the number of times I have been hurt).

It starts with them finding me somewhere on the internet. For the first month, they treat me like I put stars in the sky, pursue me as their world revolves around me, and practically force me to fantasise about a full-fledged life with them. Well, I am no less. My MO is over-sharing, a butt load of honesty, putting on the table what I want, and then duct-taping my (already glued together multiple times fragile) heart to save it from all the potential hurt. I try to be as pessimistic as possible because I can see through the scene, I know how it ends, I have been in it so many times I feel like the leading lady in Russian Doll. 

But the heart wants what it wants, and that stupid dumbfuck doesn't learn its lesson well. So after repeated convincing and pushing my feelings away for over a month, I finally start to surrender. I try to be more approachable and forthcoming. And the minute I decide to do so, it all starts going south. My men can somehow sense my vulnerability and realise that now is the time to mess with everything she has fought to reach here. And they do me so dirty, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

It goes on for about a month or two. Casual MIAs, demonstration of fuckboy traits, occasional come back and half-ass promises gradually leading to absolute ghosting by the end of the third month. This is like a bi-annual thing for me. I don't even feel disappointed over it anymore, and that is what disappoints me so much. I am well aware of the MO, I recognise it, I see through it, and yet, I fall for it every single time. 

A part of me feels that I willingly let this happen. I have gotten so comfortable living in misery that the possibility of something real scares me. While another part thinks it's just bare optimism and unwillingness to give up on love. There's also a teeny tiny fragment that is just secretly wishing to skip to the good part.