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I wrote an article more than 2 years ago describing the feelings you go through at the beginning of new love.

The tingly feeling, the curiosity, the butterflies, the element of surprise, the rush, all of it!


Well, that did not take a long time to go down the drain.  


I have talked enough about what I went through after that. What I never felt like pondering upon is how long it will take me to get all the possible toxicity out of my system. 


I thought the efforts I was putting in on myself were more than enough. I was super kind to myself. I gave abundant time to process my thoughts. I ensured to not jump to anything too quickly. I worked on my baggage before I even considered starting anything new. 


And I supposed I was doing okay. I was looking forward to starting a new phase in my life. I won't say I was trying, but I wouldn't mind if the opportunity presented itself. 


The opportunity did present itself, and I couldn't be happier that it did. What followed wasn't very pleasant, though. For a minute there, I felt like whatever progress I was boasting about was just a hoax. The real thing that I was looking for all my life scares the shit out of me now. I used to be the testament of impulsive, and now it takes every fragment of my being to step out of my zone, be approachable, open up and even when I bring myself to do that, I accept in the back of my head that I have scared the person away, its over, fun while it lasted. 


I project my past insecurities, trauma and abandonment issues on people now, people who are probably ready to give me the world. I try not to ruin too much in the process. I am rigorously working on myself, trying my best to fix what is broken because it's my baggage to resolve, and I am grateful for the support I have while I do that. 


In my drive to fix the damaged goods, I myself became one. Read somewhere a while ago, How do you destroy a monster without becoming one? 





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