Guess some things never change after all, huh ;)

Do you ever miss some older version of yourself for any reason?

Well, I do! I sometimes miss the things that made me, ME!

I miss being an extrovert, I miss fearlessly telling people how I felt, I miss being impulsive, I miss my being "up for anything" approach, I miss my devil may care attitude, I miss saying "you only live once" before every crazy thing I was going to do, and I do miss being there for everyone all the time.

And yet, I don't miss being super-nice to self-serving selves, I don't miss being walked all over, again and again, I don't miss getting my heart crushed, I don't miss being taken for granted, I don't miss people commenting on how I should be, how I should act, what to do, what not to do.

Yes, I did lose a part of myself in the process. And it was not an easy process to go through with. It took me over a year to finally start admitting to the changes I was going through, knowingly/unknowingly. There was a lot of resistance, ignorance, and despair. There was also a fear of losing things/people that aren't important in the first place. But now I am finally at a place in life where I am not only accepting but also relishing and embracing the changes that I went through.

I give limited access to limited people in my life now. I did revoke a lot of privileges I had distributed among what now seems like a whole freaking town. At some point in life, you really gotta go all exclusive and you will not apprehend the purpose of doing that until you do that. Not to be revenge-y or anything but, now if you walk over me, I'll walk over you too, in really high and pointed shoes. I don't do drama anymore, I'll just emotionally distance myself from you and you won't even notice that I am gone, even if you do, the devil may care because I won't.

Guess some things never change after all, huh ;)

Comments

PATTERNs & MOs

I have a friend who once told me about this theory of how we keep befriending or falling for people with identical qualities. It's like a pattern, a subconsciously identified comfort zone that we get lured by. I gave quite a thought to this, much more than I usually do to something I generally hear. I got really lucky in the friendship department, so falling in the pattern is worth my while. I would happily do it over and over again. But, when it comes to matters of heart, mmm, not so much! I just realised that the MO of the guys I get involved with is terrifying. (Switched to MO instead of patterns because it's criminal the number of times I have been hurt). It starts with them finding me somewhere on the internet. For the first month, they treat me like I put stars in the sky, pursue me as their world revolves around me, and practically force me to fantasise about a full-fledged life with them. Well, I am no less. My MO is over-sharing, a butt load of honesty, putting on

Jack of Crisis, Masters of Denial

Sinking in the sea of crisis, human-made, situational or self-induced. We aren't looking for solutions anymore. We aren't wasting time sulking. We are straight-up pushing it all to the deepest, darkest, rarely visited corners of our heads. After all, living in denial still counts for living, contrary to facing the feelings that leave you lifeless. We are eating, drinking, sleeping off or sleeping with the crisis. Pretending to be as unbothered while denying the fact that it burns like a gin and hurts like a bitch. Faking, hoping to make it. Skating through life while the fire within simmers only to erupt when least expected.

Ah! The incomparable joy and comfort in the lonliness

The joy of roaming around in an empty house in a robe with a glass of wine, The comfort of eating your favourite meal in a public space with your AirPods on, The joy of watching a movie and not getting prompted every minute, The comfort of not having to talk to anyone after a long-long day of work, The subtle joy and comfort in knowing there isn't anyone for you to depend upon. If you shatter into a thousand pieces, no one is going to pick any fraction of it. I am now best friends with the void that scared the shit out of me. Chills run through my body when I spare a mere thought of how comfortable I have gotten in my own company. I don't know what or which particular experience it is that cut right through me. But whatever or whoever did it, they did me a favour. After it all, you are all you got.

Ribs_Writes

Search This Blog