Skip to main content

One not so fine afternoon while sitting on my desk, sipping my extra strong black coffee I happen to think of how long I have been fighting this world all alone, I have never had anyone to walk by my side, I have never had someone to hold me when I would fall. I always had to gather myself, get up and start walking on my own, get going all over again keeping my fingers crossed anticipating it will all work out one day.

I was all I got which pretty much makes me the person I am turning out to be. Someone who doesn’t welcome even a minor favor, someone who gets uncomfortable at the mere thought of asking for help, someone who doesn’t trust easily, someone who is always looking for red flags, someone who can’t keep her guard down, someone who is terrified of her own occasional phases of vulnerability, someone who is afraid by the idea of coming out weak in front of a crowd, someone who is always struggling with emotions, someone who can’t let it all out!

Trust me or not, I want to let it all out. I was so busy fighting, surviving, moving ahead that I never stopped to notice when it all started going south. I wish I’d stopped for a while. 

Is it too late now? Is it too late for a fresh start? Do I still have time? Or have I lost it all?

Amidst all this perplexity of putting myself out there or keeping it all to my own, amidst all this hassle, I still try to hustle.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

PATTERNs & MOs

  I have a friend who once told me about this theory of how we keep befriending or falling for people with identical qualities. It's like a pattern, a subconsciously identified comfort zone that we get lured by.  I gave quite a thought to this, much more than I usually do to something I generally hear. I got really lucky in the friendship department, so falling in the pattern is worth my while. I would happily do it over and over again.  But, when it comes to matters of heart, mmm, not so much! I just realised that the MO of the guys I get involved with is terrifying. (Switched to MO instead of patterns because it's criminal the number of times I have been hurt). It starts with them finding me somewhere on the internet. For the first month, they treat me like I put stars in the sky, pursue me as their world revolves around me, and practically force me to fantasise about a full-fledged life with them. Well, I am no less. My MO is over-sharing, a butt load of honesty, putting on
Post a Comment
Read more

Jack of Crisis, Masters of Denial

  Sinking in the sea of crisis, human-made, situational or self-induced. We aren't looking for solutions anymore. We aren't wasting time sulking. We are straight-up pushing it all to the deepest, darkest, rarely visited corners of our heads. After all, living in denial still counts for living, contrary to facing the feelings that leave you lifeless. We are eating, drinking, sleeping off or sleeping with the crisis. Pretending to be as unbothered while denying the fact that it burns like a gin and hurts like a bitch. Faking, hoping to make it. Skating through life while the fire within simmers only to erupt when least expected.
Post a Comment
Read more

Ah! The incomparable joy and comfort in the lonliness

  The joy of roaming around in an empty house in a robe with a glass of wine, The comfort of eating your favourite meal in a public space with your AirPods on, The joy of watching a movie and not getting prompted every minute,  The comfort of not having to talk to anyone after a long-long day of work, The subtle joy and comfort in knowing there isn't anyone for you to depend upon. If you shatter into a thousand pieces, no one is going to pick any fraction of it. I am now best friends with the void that scared the shit out of me. Chills run through my body when I spare a mere thought of how comfortable I have gotten in my own company. I don't know what or which particular experience it is that cut right through me. But whatever or whoever did it, they did me a favour. After it all, you are all you got.
Post a Comment
Read more